Humor

This page is a collection of various jokes,
and pics that have been sent in.

They have nothing to do with
Hot Rods or Kustoms,
but they're really fuckin funny.

      A little old ladies phone rings late one night and she answers it.
 "Hello," a deep voice on the other end says,
"I know you, you'd like  me to push you down on the bed
and rip all your clothes off, lick your  body all over
and make rough love to you."

 The old lady looks at the phone blushing  in amazement and replies,
 "You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?"

        Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women,
sexually, is that men are like firemen, and women are like fire.
To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what
we're doing we can be ready in two minutes.
Women, on the other hand, are like fire.
They're very exciting, but the
conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

     Question:   How many people
does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 Depends on the Lightbulb!

      If you're considering doing some camping this summer,
please note the  following public service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned
to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country.
The  bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.)
but be careful because  they don't scare Grizzly bears.
Tourists are cautioned to watch the
ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings
to  be alert for the presence of Grizzly bears.
One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

     Women's Quote of the Day:   "Men are like a fine wine.  They all start out
like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark
until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:   "Women are like fine wine. They all
start  out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied
with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

   A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days
in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses
because he bossed them around just like he did his
employees.  None of the hospital staff wanted to have
anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only
one who could stand up to him. She came into his room
and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally
settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this
reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This
started another round of complaining, but eventually
he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he
heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you
stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking
past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's
doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses,
"Well, no. I guess I haven't.

Not with a carnation anyway."

The Oswald Band
 

Five Reasons to believe computers are Male:

 1.    They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
 2.    A better model is right around the corner.
 3.    They look attractive - until you take them home.
 4.    Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
 5.    In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

  Five Reasons to believe computers are Female:

 1.    No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
 2.    Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory.
 3.    The native language used to communicate with other computers is
        incomprehensible to anyone else.
 4.    The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative
        as, "If you  don't know what is wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."
 5.    As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
         spending half  your paycheck on accessories for it.

My Boss

     A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes
  over, she   puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears
  a  car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
  Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here,  isn't it?"
  "Yes it is," the man replies.
  You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
  "No thanks," the man replies.
  "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little  extortionist continues.
  "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position  he is in.
  "Twenty five dollars," the little boy replies.
  "TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but
  complies to protect his hidden position.
  The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she
 hears a   car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet
 with her little boy.
  "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
  "Yes, it is," replies the man.
  "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.  "OK. How  much?"
 the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
  "Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.
  The next weekend, the little boy's father says   "Hey, son. Go get
 your  ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
  "I can't, Dad. I sold them," replies the little boy.
  "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to
 hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
 "Seventy five dollars," the little boy says.
 "SEVENTY FIVE DOLLARS?!   That's thievery!  I'm taking you to the
church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the
father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws
the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here." the priest says.

Hunting Attorneys

      US Government Department of Fish and "wildlife" Sec. 1200

 1.   Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.

 2.   Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.  The
       use of  currency as bait is prohibited.

 3.   Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.  If accidentally
       struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

 4.   It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
       machine,  helicopter, or aircraft.

 5.   It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
       Perrier"   for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

 6.   It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within
100 yards of BMW dealerships.

 7.   It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards
of courtrooms, law libraries,  whorehouses,
health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

 8.   If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
       felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it.

 9.    Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
        inspection for rabies, and vermin.

 10.    It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
         reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep,
accident victim, bookie,  or tax  accountant
for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

  BAG LIMITS
 (Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)

 1.  Yellow Bellied Sidewinder                    2
 2.  Two-faced Tort Feasor                          1
 3.  Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator            4
 4.  Small-breasted Ball Buster          3     (Female only)
 5.  Big-mouthed Pub Gut                            2
 6.  Honest Attorney       On the Endangered   Species List   (Illegal to hunt)
 7.  Cut-throat                                              2
 8.  Back-stabbing Whiner                           2
 9.  Brown-nosed Judge Kisser                    2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender              $100 BOUNTY

What happens when you give Viagra to a lawyer ?
.  .  .  He gets taller.

Got a good one?
Send it to me!
Craig@HotRodHon.com