"It is God's job to forgive Osama bin Laden.

It's our job to arrange a face to face meeting."


 
 

Here is some of the great stuff coming my way via EMail.
I take no credit for creating these things.
But I just have to share them with you!
 


 


"On Monday" 

On Monday there were people were trying to separate each other 
by race, sex, color and creed 
On Tuesday they were all holding hands 

On Monday we thought that we were secure 
On Tuesday we learned better 

On Monday we were talking about heroes as being athletes 
On Tuesday we learned what a hero really was 

On Monday people went to work at the world trade centers as usual 
On Tuesday they were dead 

On Monday people argued with their kids about picking up their room 
On Tuesday the same people could not get home fast enough to hug their kids 

On Monday people picked up McDonald's for dinner 
On Tuesday they stayed home 

On Monday people were upset that their dry cleaning was not ready on time 
On Tuesday they were lining up for miles to give blood for the dying 

On Monday politicians argued about budget surpluses 
On Tuesday grief stricken they sang 'God Bless America' 

On Monday we worried about the traffic and getting to work late 
On Tuesday we worried about a plane crashing into your place of business 

On Monday we were irritated that our rebate checks had not arrived 
On Tuesday we saw people celebrating people dying in the USA 

On Monday some children had solid families 
On Tuesday they were orphans 

On Monday the president was going to Florida to read to children 
On Tuesday he returned to Washington to protect our children 

On Monday we emailed jokes 
On Tuesday we did not 

It is sadly ironic how it takes horrific events to place things into perspective,  but it has.     The lessons learned this week, the things we have taken for granted,  the things that have been forgotten or overlooked,   hopefully,  will never be forgotten again. 

Dear Osama Bin Laden, Yasser Arafat, and Sadam Hussein, et. al.,


We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally accept
your challenge to an old-fashioned game of whoop-ass.
Now that we understand the rule that there are no rules,
we look forward to playing by them for the first time.
Since this game is a winner-take-all,
we unfortunately are unable to invite you
to join us at the victory celebration.
But rest assured that we will toast you - LITERALLY.
While we will admit that you are off to an impressive lead,
it is however now our turn at the plate.
By the way, we will be playing on your court now.
Batter up.

Sincerely,
The 270 million citizens of the United States

"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing Bin Laden won't solve the problem.

But, you know, it couldn't hurt." Jay Leno

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M.

I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith.

We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." Jay Leno

Just heard the U S has captured Osama Bin Ladin.

The U S planes crop dusted Afghanistan with Viagra and

the little prick just popped right up


TOP TEN NAMES FOR THE U.S. RETALIATION PLANS

10. Operation: Osama,  Yo Mama
9. Operation: Desert Turd
8. Operation: Afghani-Slam Fest 2001
7. Operation: Taliban -- Tali-Boom
6. Operation: I-C-B-Enema
5. Operation: The Shiite Hits the Fan.
4. Operation: Osama Bend-Over.
3. Operation: ....And the Camel You Rode In On.
2. Operation: Red, White & Ka-blewey!!!!!!!!!
1. Operation: Kiss Your Ass-Ghanistan Good Bye.


The Appropriate Response to Peace-niks

What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by stupid,
naïve, hemp-shirt-wearing college idiots,
to teach them why force is sometimes needed:

1.) Approach dumb, rich, ignorant student
talking about "peace" and saying there should be "no retaliation."

2.) Engage in brief conversation; ask if military force is appropriate.

3.) When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"

4.) Wait until he says something to the effect of,
"Because that would just cause more innocent deaths,
which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."

5.) When he's in mid-sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

6.) When he gets back up to up to punch you,
point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you,
because that would, "be awful, and he should not cause more violence."

7.) Wait until he agrees that he has pledged not to commit additional violence.

8.) Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands
that sometimes it's necessary to punch back.


Trust me, this is not a hoax...

Don't go to the bathroom on December 28th.

CIA intelligence reports that a  major plot is planned for that day.
Anyone who goes to the bathroom on the 28th will be bitten on the ass by an alligator.      Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their Doody.

I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable source. It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked.  So it must be true.

 Send this to everyone you know.

Comming to a theater near you!

 

 

 

 

 



Q: Why do all Afghani soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map.

Q: What do Afghanistan and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, . . . . . yet.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden
and General Custer have in common?
A: They wanted to know where the hell
all of those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best Afghanistan and Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador.

Q: How do you play Afghanistan and Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...A-10.
Q: What is Afganistan's national bird?
A: Duck.
Q: How is Osama Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their cave windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: Why does Osama always carry a piece of shit in his pocket?
A: It's his photo ID

Q: What's the difference between the Taliban and a bucket of shit?
A: the bucket

Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed
and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: because it's too rough on the camels

Probably a doctored photo, but deep down I hope this one's real.

 

Twas the night before Payback

 

Twas the night before Payback & all through the Land,

They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,

Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees,

He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall & Shatter,

But all that he's done is just make us Madder.

We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,

And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,

And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole.

You think you can rule us & cause us to Fear,

You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,

And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.

You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide.

They'll go down in history, as the place where you Died.

Remember Khadhafi & his Line of Death?

He came very close, to his final Breath.

So come out & prove it, that you are a Man,

Cause our boys are coming & they have a Plan.

They are our fathers and they are our Sons,

And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.

They would have stayed home with children and Wives,

Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for You,

For air mail delivery by B-52.

You soon will be hearing a thud & a whistle,

Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missle.

I will not be sorry to see your ass Go.

It's Red, White, & Blue that is running this Show.

[ Author Unknown ]

 

 

"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban,

apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad." Jay Leno


Let's see now:

No pre-marital sex.
No oral sex,  .  .  . ever.
No booze.
No titty bars.
No playboy channel.
No  sports of any kind to speak of.
"What is this Hooters of which you speak!"
Fucking sand everywhere.
Ever fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating with your right hand only
cause you wipe your ass with your left.
Constant wailing from the asshole next door.
No wait, that's his music?
Bar-B-Q cooked over camel dung.
Prayer four times a day.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veil's.
It doesn't get better until you die.

No wonder these assholes are so
quick to commit suicide!


CNN has reported another US bomb dropped by our bombers has gone awry in Afghanistan.

It struck the only brothel in all of Kabul.

Eleven camels were killed.


Kabul, Afghanistan---September 27, 2001--

A shocking development took place today
as the ruling members of the Taliban held a press conference
threatening the United States if its territory is invaded.
Immigration Czar Mohmammed Ali Momaluke stated
that the Afghan authorities "would not hesitate for a moment"
to cut off the US supply of convenience store managers.


 

As for what to do with Osama Bin Laden:
 
Killing him will only create a martyr.
Holding him prisoner will inspire his followers
to take hostages and demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Special Forces covertly capture him,
fly his ass to an undisclosed hospital
and have surgeons quickly perform a
complete sex change operation. 
Then we return it to Afghanistan.

To live as a woman under the Taliban.


 

There are two men, both extremely wealthy.
One develops relatively cheap software
and gives hundreds of millions of dollars to charity.
The other one sponsors terrorism.

So, why is it that the US government has spent more
money chasing down Bill Gates over the past ten years
than Osama binLaden?!

I thought that prick looked familiar

The Tali-Bums fired off their first missile!

Soon followed by the first dog-fight

We always knew Bert was the bad one.

 

"I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the wealthiest guy in Afghanistan.

That's when you know your government is no good,

when the wealthiest guy in the country lives in a cave." Jay Leno

"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban

feel persecuted and fear their own safety.

So now they know what it is like to be a woman in their country." Jay Leno

Click here to meet hot available women!


Well, that's all for now.
  If you got one for me . . . . send it in



 
 
 
 


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